Life is Complicated

Life is completely complicated. Action is character. I was told by my loves mom a special phrase only I would know the meaning to. Basically it meant that she still loved me and that she wanted me as badly as I want her. I am so completely confused. I love her without question. How long do I have to wait. How will the rest of our lives go? IF we do get back together, will she just leave me when things get hard? She has already left me twice. I hurt so much, but each time she leaves I cry just a little less. Am I getting callous, Am I having some great appafany that I am not as worthwhile as I once thought I was. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not worth anyones love and affection so I just take what I can get, because someone would just be stupid to actually fall in love with me. I am going to live this life for another year or so and do as much as I can in that time and when things come to the apex of whats called my life and I will just take a bow and step out of this world. I came into life without making an impact and I will certainly go out with the same effect. If we are going to die at the end of this miserable thing we call life doesnt it matter what we do before that demise? Who is to say how long I have to suffer, should it not be me, I am the one who has to live with me are I not. Its not anyone else who has to fight this battle, I am the one who is left to fight this whole war. So I come to the conclusion, if I am not here everyones life will be better off. She wont have to fight this battle of Me VS Myself, she wouldnt have to choose between me and anyone else. Take away her choice, take away her battle, take away her pain and suffering. I wanted someone who loved me and would stand up and fight for me, What I sadly realized is that I am not worth the effort nor worth the fight. I have had this unrealistic idea of what love was suppose to be, damn movies, I had these feelings of great joy. I had this great joy. Nothing could ever match it. Now I am done. I have had the best of the best, why should I expect or desire anything more. I have decided to take all the pain away once and for good. People say you should never say never. I swear I hate these people. I will say fucking never anytime I please. And I say I never will feel this pain again. I am through with it. I will take care of myself and for once make all my pain end.

Hard

It hurts to breath, it hurts to think, it hurts to cry, it hurts no matter what I do. I thought she loved me, I know I loved her. She left without even saying goodbye. No closure to be found. I keep moving on keeping all the promises I had ever made to her. I still love her and have hopes for when we are old. I dont want anyone else. I will not have anyone else. I am content to be alone for the remainder of my life. Id give anything to say goodbye. I meant it with my whole heart that I loved her. Its not love if it doesnt hurt. I dont know what to do with myself. Just getting back into school. Thinking about applying for overseas medical school after finishing pre med here in the states. I will keep on walking with my head down. Waiting. Always waiting. Time goes on regardless of what I do or what happens to me. Thats the justification of this world is knowing that no matter what you do you will not change anything. All your efforts are completely futile and have no barring on the outcome of time or the future. You can change small events but the overall picture you will never have any effect on. I give up trying. I give up carring. The other day a man threatened to harm me and take my very life I laughed because I didnt care, hell I would have paid him to do just that. That damn promise. That stupid stupid stupid promise I have made has cursed me to walk eternally in hell with no end to the pain and suffering. I never want to love again. A wise man once said love is EVOL. This is the very truth.