Life is Complicated

Life is completely complicated. Action is character. I was told by my loves mom a special phrase only I would know the meaning to. Basically it meant that she still loved me and that she wanted me as badly as I want her. I am so completely confused. I love her without question. How long do I have to wait. How will the rest of our lives go? IF we do get back together, will she just leave me when things get hard? She has already left me twice. I hurt so much, but each time she leaves I cry just a little less. Am I getting callous, Am I having some great appafany that I am not as worthwhile as I once thought I was. I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not worth anyones love and affection so I just take what I can get, because someone would just be stupid to actually fall in love with me. I am going to live this life for another year or so and do as much as I can in that time and when things come to the apex of whats called my life and I will just take a bow and step out of this world. I came into life without making an impact and I will certainly go out with the same effect. If we are going to die at the end of this miserable thing we call life doesnt it matter what we do before that demise? Who is to say how long I have to suffer, should it not be me, I am the one who has to live with me are I not. Its not anyone else who has to fight this battle, I am the one who is left to fight this whole war. So I come to the conclusion, if I am not here everyones life will be better off. She wont have to fight this battle of Me VS Myself, she wouldnt have to choose between me and anyone else. Take away her choice, take away her battle, take away her pain and suffering. I wanted someone who loved me and would stand up and fight for me, What I sadly realized is that I am not worth the effort nor worth the fight. I have had this unrealistic idea of what love was suppose to be, damn movies, I had these feelings of great joy. I had this great joy. Nothing could ever match it. Now I am done. I have had the best of the best, why should I expect or desire anything more. I have decided to take all the pain away once and for good. People say you should never say never. I swear I hate these people. I will say fucking never anytime I please. And I say I never will feel this pain again. I am through with it. I will take care of myself and for once make all my pain end.